The end is in sight…

Soon, Mummy goes back to work and will be enjoying three days a week of peace and quiet, grown-up conversation and clothes without sick on them. At least, Mummy would be if she didn’t work in a primary school. Rebel Baby is to go to a childminder for two days, and has a visit this afternoon to get used to the idea and – presumably – give the lovely childminder a chance to back out while she still can. As such, RB is under strict instructions not to let the side down: to be civil, polite, gentle with other children, clean and quiet.

Unfortunately, this week she has mastered a number of new skills. These are not the crawling, walking, talking and reciting the alphabet backwards type skills Mummy was aiming for. Instead, she now enjoys sharing food by taking it out of her own mouth to offer, and won’t stop until you pretend to eat it. She throws up on the carpet and licks it up again. She likes to help with nappy changes by ramming both hands down the front of her nappy and trying to grab the contents. Mummy is feeling #soproud and #soblessed.  She very much hopes the childminder has low expectations…

Rockstar Baby

Mummy has purchased at great expense (£3.99) a baby keyboard, as she thought it would be fun for the little one to learn some pretty little melodies which would be the start of her career as an international concert pianist.  So far, Mummy has taught her Twinkle twinkle little star, Mary had a little lamb and Baa baa black sheep, hoping The Baby would clap along and sing sweetly. 

Rebel Baby is very much enjoying the keyboard, but prefers to smash the life out of one note and then headbang to the music of her own making. Mummy is concerned that RB is thinking of an altogether different style of concert for her music career.

Mummy is just hoping the £3.99-ness will cause the thing to pack up quite soon…

At Grandma’s house

Rebel Baby is at Grandma’s house for the day. Rebel Baby loves it at Grandma’s house. At Grandma’s house, there is telly and chocolate. At Grandma’s house, there are toys and presents. At Grandma’s house, there are people to play with and no rules to be followed. It’s funny because when Mummy was a little girl she lived in Grandma’s house and she doesn’t remember it being nearly as good. When Mummy lived there, there were chores and vegetables and homework at Grandma’s house. Obviously Mummy lived there at the wrong time…

Looking absolutely delighted at the prospect of Mummy collecting her.

Cars, cars, cars…

There is an Italian car show on in town for the Easter weekend, and Daddy is very excited. Many, many cars are on show – most of them impressively shiny high-performance sports cars or rare special editions belonging to enthusiasts and collectors. As Daddy’s remarkably average car is, at least, Italian, he likes to pretend he is part way to belonging to the elite club of owners in town today, and to fantasise that one day he may even own a car worthy of a spot in the show.  Big bro, who has no concept of the value of money, can’t understand why Daddy doesn’t just buy one of these cars if he likes them so much, so Daddy launches into a long explanation about houses and mortgages and food and tax… which somehow concludes with Daddy planning to buy an Italian performance car and live on baked beans.  Mummy points out that these car owners spend every spare moment at the weekend polishing the insides of their engines with silk cloths whilst Daddy treats his car like a shrine to Ginsters pasty wrappers and is therefore undeserving of such a vehicle. Daddy says Mummy is missing the point… presumably that he wouldn’t be able to afford Ginsters pasties if he owned a Ferrari California.

If Mummy is to be dragged round a car show on her sunny bank holiday weekend off with the family, instead of sitting in the garden sipping Pimms or going to buy a new kitchen like Daddy promised, she insists Daddy will carry the baby. This is Mummy’s clever ploy as Daddy will tire faster and therefore will more quickly suggest retiring to the pub. Meanwhile, Mummy’s legs won’t hurt so much whilst she is hanging around the cars and trying to find a big enough clearing in the crowd for some half-decent window shopping. Or even actual shopping, if the cars distract Daddy for long enough.

Unfortunately, Mummy’s plan has backfired. Not only does Daddy – who usually complains his legs hurt on a short walk round a flat field – display remarkable strength and stamina for carrying a two tonne infant with thighs like tree trunks round the hard cobbled streets… he also takes this opportunity to educate his daughter at length on the finer points of Italian car design and maintenance.

Daddy thinks she is listening and interested. Rebel Baby could not look less impressed with his endeavours. She spends a short while trying to lick the back of his neck in protest, then takes the opportunity to have a stealthy nap, waking up from time to time just to see if Daddy is still talking. The things a baby has to endure, eh?

Babysitting for beginners

Daddy left Big Bro in charge of entertaining The Baby. Rebel Baby and Big Bro were rocking out to some hardcore beats like the cool and groovy kids they are. Unfortunately, Big Bro then discovered Daddy’s new Google friend and since then they have been rocking out to Run DMC’s Walk This Way. On repeat. Over and over again. At a slowly increasing volume. Mummy used to quite like this song. Now, she would quite like some gin.

Testing Daddy’s patience

Mummy goes to see what is taking Daddy so long. He is only supposed to be putting The Baby into her pyjamas so that Mummy can put her to bed. There is much grunting and sighing coming from the bathroom, where Daddy and The Baby are. Mummy already did the nappy and put the clothes out, how hard can it be?

Rebel Baby, however, is inspired by the football Daddy regularly subjects her to and thinks this is a good opportunity to show off her skills. She has been practising hard… dribbling, running, kicking… she cannot understand why Daddy is not impressed.

Soon Daddy decides to cut his losses and wait for her to tire herself out. He does not know she tanked up on two Weetabix and a banana only a short while ago. He is in for a long wait…