A couple of people have messaged Mummy online asking about the troubles she had feeding The Baby back in the first week. It seems other people on the Interweb have similar such difficulties and wonder how it all went. It strikes Mummy that she has been asked lots of times by other people in real life too – most notably by Mrs Health Visitor at the feeding clinic who, once Mummy had properly nailed getting milk into the little one, suggested Mummy might like to become a Breastfeeding Ambassador.
“That is not a real thing,” did say Mummy, “you have just made it up.”
“It is too a real thing,” said Mrs Health Visitor, “they are those people over there. You get a pink T-shirt, free cups of tea, and you are allowed to touch the knitted boobs.”
The knitted boobs had fascinated Mummy for some time. Not only because they are so perfectly spherical and perky that they gave Mummy a bit of a complex, nor because the Breastfeeding Ambassadors like to squeeze them at you at every given opportunity, but mainly because someone had clearly gone to all the trouble of knitting a significant number of them. What a calling.
It was something of a relief to Mummy to learn that the ladies in pink T-shirts were Breastfeeding Ambassadors, as Mummy had presumed everyone at the clinic was a Health Visitor but that some of them were just not very good ones. And the title did sound rather exciting.
“Are there opportunities for international travel?” asked Mummy, picturing herself visiting foreign embassies on a private jet with the knitted boobs in her designer suitcase.
“No, no,” explained Mrs Health Visitor, “you sit here and welcome people to the clinic and talk to them about the benefits of breastfeeding.” It was clear then to Mummy that Mrs Health Visitor had made a terrible mistake. Mummy would be a terrible choice for the esteemed role of Breastfeeding Ambassador.
Firstly, Mummy does not really like talking to other people about things which she considers personal, such as actual boobs (not the knitted variety). This is somewhat ironic as she will happily write about them in an online blog, but in that scenario nobody can see Mummy giggling like a schoolgirl when she types nipples.
Secondly, a lot of the people who come to the clinic are in need of genuine help and support. Mrs Health Visitor clearly does not know about Mummy’s incurable tendency to put her foot in it or make jokes in very serious situations. The more upset someone is, the more likely Mummy is to make it a hundred times worse.
Thirdly, Mummy doesn’t really care whether people breastfeed or not. “It’s up to you, take it or leave it,” is not really the attitude of an ambassador. Mummy was slightly brainwashed by the NCT lady and scary magazines in the hospital to be convinced she had to do it herself, but has since discovered a great number of friends who bottle fed their babies that all turned into perfectly happy and healthy human beings. Mummy is pro-choice, in this respect.
And also, Mummy does not look good in pink.
“Oh I think that is not a good idea at all,” Mummy tells Mrs Health Visitor.
“What a shame,” say Mrs Health Visitor, “it could help people to hear about your journey.”
Ugh. Mummy despises the word journey, except in the context of physically travelling from one place to another. Which apparently, Breastfeeding Ambassadors do not get to do – private jet or otherwise. Mummy has not been on a journey. She has been at home, mainly in her pyjamas, attached to a milking machine for the best part of three weeks. There is nothing further from a journey that Mummy could have possibly been on.
“Ah…. ho… hum… thank you but…” Mummy is terribly bad at saying no to people. It is almost physically impossible and often gets her into trouble. “I think I, erm… oh look, is that the time? Must dash!”
And so it was that Mummy never did get to touch the knitted boobs. However, in the spirit of sharing and caring, Mummy is going to drink a bottle of wine tonight and tackle the subject of Breastfeeding in tomorrow’s blog. She will try not to giggle and spill wine on the keyboard. She does like to keep her two and a half readers happy.