Daddy keeps telling Mummy she has ‘changed’, and it strikes Mummy that parenthood is not at all what she had planned, more’s the pity. Perhaps other people just do it better than Mummy.
Before having a baby: “Why do people leave their babies covered in food and snot? Why don’t they wipe it up?”
After having a baby: “There’s only a tiny bit of poo on the foot, and the sick has nearly dried… should be good for a few more hours.”
Before having a baby: “I can’t stand baby talk, just call a spade a spade. And why do parents talk about themselves in the third person?”
After having a baby: “Mummy’s going to run you a lovely bubbly-wubbly bath and we can have a little splash-a-rooney before beddy-byes, OK poppet?!”
Before having a baby: “I will not be a bottom sniffer. Bottom sniffers are so indiscreet. I will take the baby to the changing room and check its nappy in a prudent and unobtrusive fashion.”
After having a baby: Can bottom-sniff one-handed while drinking a latte, without breaking conversation.
Before having a baby: “Having a baby doesn’t mean you have to let yourself go. I will immediately regain my waistline and be a Yummy Mummy with coordinating baby accessories and a casual yet stylish maternity leave wardrobe.”
After having a baby: “We might have another one someday, why lose weight before then? I’ll just wear Daddy’s sweater for now.”
Before having a baby: “I can’t wait to go shopping for cute little baby clothes!”
After having a baby: “How have you grown out of everything again?! What’s that you say? Second hand baby clothes? Yes please, we’ll take the lot!”
Before having a baby: “Maternity leave will be so much fun! I will push my stylish pram around the park and sip lattes in the sunshine, watching all those other people going to work, and smiling at them smugly.”
After having a baby: Occasionally takes baby to park out of guilt, usually drinks instant coffee at home due to SMP and spends most of life doing laundry.
Before having a baby: “While the baby naps I will rest and read extensively or maybe write a novel like J. K. Rowling did.”
After having a baby: “She’s asleep!!! Shhhhhhhh!!!!” Run around like a (silent, ninja-like) headless chicken trying to get absolutely everything done. Always overestimate length of nap and never quite get enough done.