It is a Saturday and therefore Daddy is having a lie-in. There is not enough milk for Mummy to have a cup of tea and give Big Bro breakfast, so naturally Mummy has been a martyr and allowed him to eat, but is not at all happy about it.
Mummy had a lie-in once. It was the last week in December 2016. The Baby had been up almost hourly for several nights and, as Daddy was off work and Mummy was half-dead, Daddy saw fit to do the manly thing and step up.
“I will take the baby,” announced Daddy, “and you can have a lie-in.”
“Oh thank you, thank you,” sobbed Mummy and Daddy felt like a superhero.
“First you must feed the baby,” Daddy announced. So Mummy fed the baby, then Daddy stayed in bed playing with The Baby for as long as humanly possible so that Mummy couldn’t use her lie-in to get actual sleep, and fully appreciated what a noble act Daddy was undertaking. She did her best to ignore The Baby who kicked her in the head and pulled her hair, not understanding the sanctity of a lie-in. Before long, Big Bro came in and climbed all over the bed and kneed Mummy in the stomach and fiddled with small pieces of Lego, distributing them amongst the folds of the duvet so that Mummy dared not move a muscle for fear of plastic bricks lodging in her underwear.
“Ah, isn’t this lovely!” said Daddy.
“Hmph…” said Mummy, rolling over and trying very hard to imagine it was a dream. Eventually, she huffed and puffed enough at Daddy for the message to get through.
“Right!” announced Daddy ceremoniously with a big sigh, lest the magnitude of his grand gesture be misunderstood. “I suppose I will get up with the children.” And lo, with great song and dance, Daddy got up with The Baby and went downstairs. Mummy stayed very very still… the Lego remained an ever-present threat.
Mummy tried very hard to sleep and enjoy her lovely lie-in. But Daddy and the children clattered and crashed and banged as they got their breakfast, and clattered and crashed and banged around the living room. The tellybox went on full blast, for Daddy could not be expected to entertain two children without the assistance of technology. Up and down the stairs went Big Bro with feet like an elephant, slowly transporting every single toy from his bedroom to the living room, one at a time.
Soon Daddy was back, because The Baby was whining. “I think she might be hungry,” said Daddy.
“No,” said Mummy, “I just fed her. She probably wants you to play with her.”
“OK,” said Daddy, and went downstairs to not play with The Baby.
Soon, Daddy was back. “I am putting her down for a nap,” said Daddy, “as she is getting whiny.”
“It is not time,” said Mummy, “she won’t sleep.”
“She is tired,” said Daddy, “she needs a nap.” So Daddy put The Baby down in the room next to Mummy, and The Baby screamed and screamed because she was not tired – she just wanted someone to play with her.
Eventually, Mummy went to get up and Daddy rushed up the stairs to make a point. “No no!” said Daddy, “I will get her, you have a lie-in.” And Daddy took The Baby back downstairs. Then Daddy went to have a shower and left Big Bro in charge of playing with The Baby. But Big Bro has the memory of a goldfish so within thirty seconds, The Baby was screaming blue murder and Big Bro was on the other side of the room playing with Lego. Mummy came downstairs.
She surveyed the carnage that was the living room, turned the tellybox off, sent Big Bro to put some clothes on and brush his teeth, cleared up the kitchen where last night’s clean washing up had been spattered with the morning’s breakfast debris and grease was slowly congealing in the frying pan and all over the cooker from the fried egg sandwich Daddy made himself. She made a cup of tea and – because she is an absolute saint – made one for Daddy too. Daddy was obviously going to need the rest of the day off because he had got up with the children.
That was Mummy’s forty five minute lie-in. It was a magical day.
This morning, Daddy is asleep in bed and Mummy has been up with both children for two hours. They have both had breakfast, Mummy has washed up and put things away. The children are dressed, Big Bro has done is homework and The Baby is down for her nap. It is only fair that Daddy has a lie-in really, as he definitely stirred when Mummy got up to feed The Baby in the night, so is understandably very tired and needs his energy for going to watch football and drink beer this afternoon.
Also, Mummy can wear concealer and Daddy can’t. Poor Daddy.