Stupid Mummy, stupid Mummy…

Until now, Mummy has enjoyed bathing the little one in her darling little baby bath on the bathroom floor, playing with the little ducks and bubbles. But stupid, stupid Mummy, in her quest to provide The Baby with a variety of stimulating life experiences that contribute to her overall good development, thought it would be a good idea to take her swimming. Swimming! Where the nice instructor encourages the babies to kick their legs and splash their arms.

“Kick! Kick! Kick!” chants the instructor as she follows the babies around the pool. Kick, kick, kick goes Rebel Baby and Mummy is oh-so-proud.

“Splash! Splash! Splash!” commands the instructor and splash, splash, splash goes Rebel Baby, and Mummy beams with delight. Mummy thinks how clever her darling one is for how well she kicks and splashes… IN THE POOL.

What Mummy had not banked on was Rebel Baby assuming this is what Mummy wants her to do every time she gets within sniffing distance of an inch of water. Now, even as Mummy is lowering The Baby towards the bath, her legs are pedalling nineteen to the dozen and her frantic arms are waving manically.  She is barely in the bath for five seconds before water is being enthusiastically sloshed all over Mummy, all over the floor, the dry towels, the dry clothes, the walls and windows… Mummy may as well have got into the bath fully clothed given the state of her.

Rebel Baby is grinning up at Mummy proudly, knowing how pleased her splashing and kicking makes her. IN THE POOL. Mummy is not smiling, Mummy is frowning. I must not be doing it enough, thinks Rebel Baby, and renews her efforts with bigger splashes and jubilant shouting, lest her efforts go unnoticed. She gurns her toothless little grin at Mummy, looking for praise. Mummy is not smiling. She is crying a little bit inside.

Mummy is forced to relocate RB to the big bath – which is excessively large for one so small but at least contains most of the fall-out. There she sits in a few remaining inches of tepid water while Mummy takes a mop to the bathroom floor, cursing the swimming lessons and cursing The Baby.

RB goes strangely quiet, sensing something has changed. She surveys the high walls and the protective shower screen. Mummy is concerned she is contemplating how to overcome them…

You want me to splash over this one now?

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