Week 1: Tuesday

Today is The Baby’s five day check up. In the waiting room, the nurse calls for her three times before Mummy remembers that they actually gave The Baby a proper name, having called her only cutesie nicknames or four letter words since she was born, depending on Mummy’s ever-changing mood.

The nurse is very worried about the baby losing too much weight and says Mummy needs to feed her more. Mummy politely tells the nurse she will happily do so if the nurse can invent some sort of time-warp allowing Mummy to feed in double time because she can’t feed her more than ALL THE TIME.

“Well are you feeding her for long enough?” asks the nurse. Mummy tells the nurse she fed her for seven hours last night and only stopped because she needed a wee. The nurse agrees that this should be long enough.

“There must be a problem with The Latch,” says the nurse. But Mummy shows the nurse her most excellent Oxbridge-worthy latch and the nurse is most impressed.

The nurse scratches her head and decides Mummy and The Baby must go back to hospital later this afternoon to work out why The Baby is shrinking so much and has turned a bit yellow.

The seven minute drive back from the doctors is long enough for Mummy to convince herself The Baby is very seriously – possibly fatally – ill and it’s all her fault.

When they get home, visitors have broken into the house by way of a key. Due to the mirror experience and also all the crying, Mummy currently has an aversion to visitors but these ones are Daddy’s brother and sister-in-law, who are very welcome indeed. Daddy’s brother is an actual real-life doctor who can listen to all of Mummy’s very serious and possibly fatal concerns. Daddy’s sister-in-law is an actual real-life Supermum, who has survived two rounds of having babies, and has two angelically perfect children that do things you see on Pinterest like baking themed cakes and making dens from tasteful fabric. And also they have brought presents.

Uncle Doc and Aunty Pinterest are both very nice and helpful, which makes Mummy cry more. Uncle Doc makes tea and toast which makes everything much better. Daddy has a little sulk that he makes Mummy tea and toast all the time and she leaves it to go cold all over the house, but this is tea and toast made by an actual real-life doctor and therefore it has magical healing properties. Aunty Pinterest distracts Mummy with presents, and promises her that the perfectly angelic children were not always perfect babies and were actually very hard work.

Mummy is looking forward to going back to hospital now, as she remembers how much it pleases her that the bed goes up and down with an electric button, and the vending machine has mint Magnums.

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