Why Mummy doesn’t go out

Daddy has gone out for “a few beers” and Mummy is at home with both of the children.

When Mummy goes out, she has to plan it at least a week in advance. First, she has to check that Daddy is home and is in, and doesn’t have man flu or too much work to do that night. Then she has to find some friends to go out with. This is difficult because all of Mummy’s friends now also seem to have babies or small children, and therefore have to check that their Daddies are at home and in and don’t have too much work or man flu. Given that the combined probability of these factors working in Mummy’s favour is less than 1%, it rarely progresses further than this.

However, on the rare occasions that the stars align and Mummy plus at least one other person can synchronise an evening of availability, Mummy then has to send Daddy an email and a calendar invite and preferably text reminders on at least three different messaging apps with regular alerts than increase in frequency as the event approaches. Daddy cannot possibly be expected to remember anything Mummy tells him and will only respond to a computer. This takes nearly as long as the evening out, which Mummy suspects is supposed to be a deterrent…. but she is not deterred.

Once Mummy has completed the necessary Dadmin to allow the event to take place, Mummy has to calculate how long she will be out for and exactly how many millilitres of milk The Baby will need to consume in this time. She will then need to plan backwards to express enough milk to last the duration of her absence, but building up the stock at a gradual enough rate so as not to reintroduce her over-supply issues. For a typical evening out, Mummy will need to start expressing 3-4 days in advance and freezing the milk, in very clearly labelled bags so Daddy does not accidentally defrost and feed the baby cheese sauce.

When the day finally arrives, Mummy needs to plan The Baby’s naps in a timely fashion so as to get her into bed before Mummy needs to leave. This means forcing a nice long morning nap and possibly cutting short an early afternoon nap, and then praying to the God of Sleep that bedtime will go smoothly and Mummy can sneak out once the little one is happily snoozing in her crib. When it does not go according to plan, this results in Daddy phoning Mummy just as her food is served at the staff Christmas dinner and shouting down the phone at her over The Baby’s screaming to ask her how to fix it. This does not a relaxing night out make.

Finally, Mummy leaves a detailed list of instructions with labelled everything, changes The Baby and puts her down. If she is feeling especially saintly, she may even have left food for Daddy in the fridge. She doesn’t bother with this too often as Daddy delights in Mummy’s absence as an excuse to order a kebab and play Xbox, but occasionally Mummy is overwhelmed by her all-consuming need to make Daddy eat vegetables and leaves food anyway.

Mummy then goes out and spends the whole evening thinking about The Baby, checking her phone and trying not to leak milk through her too-tight top.

That is what happens when Mummy goes out.

When Daddy goes out, he sends Mummy a text on the way home from work to tell Mummy he is going out. He comes home, has a quick spray of deodorant and maybe changes his t-shirt. Maybe not. Then he goes out and has a lovely time drinking beer.

That is what happens when Daddy goes out.

Tonight Daddy has gone out and Mummy is at home, drinking tea and eating kids’ pasta from the freezer, with both children asleep upstairs. Fun times.

At least she has Grey’s.

Mummy is only slightly bothered that it doesn’t say ‘heroine.’ Because Mummy needs to get out more.


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